Monthly Archives: September 2006

Avast Toto, We’re Nay in Kansas Anymore

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Posted by Lloyd Morgan on September 19, 2006 – 10:01 am
Filed under Everything Else, Politics

Want this in English? Click here.

Ahoy there ye Land Lubbers an’ Bilge Rats. Did ye know that today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day? If nay, now ye do, an’ go… talk like a Pirate.

Anyway, by now we all know what Intelligent Design be an’ most o’ us scientists, truth be told, don’t care too much fer ‘t. Today tho I heard about th’ Church o’ th’ Flyin’ Spaghetti Monster an’ I be very interested by this religion an’ be givin’ serious thought t’ conversion t’ Pastafarianism.

Ye may be aware that in late 1999 th’ Kansas Board o’ Education encouraged th’ teachin’ o’ Intelligent Design (Creationism) on th’ grounds that all possible theories ought t’ be allowed into th’ classroom. Bobby Henderson (pasta be upon th’ lad’s) on hearin’ this decided t’ create his own religion (well, th’ FSM revealed Hisself t’ Bobby an’ instructed th’ lad’s t’ reveal th’ truth, I would imagine) an’ tried t’ get th’ Kansas Board o’ Education t’ teach ‘t. Pastafarianism be born.

I be havin’ jus’ reviewed th’ Gospel o’ th’ Flyin’ Spaghetti Monster, an’ I would highly recommend ‘t. If ye be havin’ a spare 5-15 minutes I would really suggest headin’ o’er t’ th’ Uncyclopedia entry an’ givin’ ‘t a read. ‘t’s a concise yet very in-depth retellin’ o’ th’ Gospel. Also, Wikipedia has a slightly more scientific view o’ ‘t here. What has this got t’ do wi’ International Talk Like a Gentleman o’ fortune Tide?

Accordin’ t’ th’ Pastafarian belief system, sea dogs be th’ absolute divine beings an’ th’ original Pastafarians. The’r image as thieves an’ outcasts be all misinformation spread by Christian theologians o’ th’ Middle Ages. In reality, Pastafarianism says that they be peace-lovin’ explorers an’ spreaders o’ good will who would distribute candy t’ children.

As a way t’ illustrate t’ th’ Board that correlation dasn’t equal causation he showed ‘proof’ that th’ increase in global temperature correlates wi’ a reduction in th’ number o’ sea dogs o’er th’ last three centuries. Therefore he suggests th’ reintroduction o’ a Gentleman o’ fortune in order t’ combat global warmin’.

I’m convertin’, be ye? Arrr!

English?

Neighbours Omnibus Surpasses 1000 Signatures

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Posted by Lloyd Morgan on September 18, 2006 – 9:40 pm
Filed under Everything Else

The astute among you (or maybe just those who care) may have noticed that today, Monday 18th September 2006, my Neighbours Omnibus Petition reached and surpassed it’s 1000th signatory mark.

(As a quick bit of blatant self advertising, you can find the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/censpono, the project homepage at http://www.lonegunman.co.uk and my personal project page for it here.)

So, reaching and exceeding the 1000 mark, huh? Yep, that’s right, all in the space of 135 days (the petition started on 5th May 2006).

I decided to do a bit of analysis on the petition and have come to the fair conclusion that there are 955 unique signatories for the cause: 821 with their full name, 106 who signed uniquely with a single name, 7 duplicate signings with a full name (3 unique), 57 duplicate single name signatories (22 unique) and 9 dubious signatures of which 3 are acceptable.

So, to get the total of 955 I’ve counted all of the unique signatures and all of the duplicates once per duplicate. Of the questionable names entered, two can be accepted as the names are legible and another as I personally know the person who signed it.

There should really be more than this though as it is wholly feasible that 2 Bethan Jones’ and Kate Davies’ signed the petition separately (especially as they are rather Welsh names and the petition was advertised in Cardiff… the capital). It is also completely viable that 7 Sarah’s signed the petition with only their first name as did 4 Hannah’s, 3 Mark’s, 3… the list goes on.

I decided that the “official” count shouldn’t display these duplicates though for legitimacy. So, if you’re reading this and you have not yet signed the petition, please go here to do so… but please do so with your full name to make it really (and definitely) count.

The petition signature breakdown can be perused on this Excel spreadsheet or this XML formatted spreadsheet.

When ‘Pretentious’ Becomes Pretentious

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Posted by Lloyd Morgan on September 13, 2006 – 12:53 pm
Filed under Everything Else

Is it just me, or has the ‘word of the year’ since 2004 been ‘pretentious’? I very rarely heard this word in general conversation before this time and when I did it was fitting for the purpose. Now though, if a good film has an experimental cinematographer many will call the film pretentious. If a piece of art sticks to its genre too rigidly it’s boring but if it breaks the mould it’s immediately pretentious. Black and white photography when there is no need: pretentious. Puff Daddy portrays ’smart casual’ a bit too vividly: pretentious. You wear your dressing gown during the day: pretentious. My lunch-time baguette: pretentious. When will it end?

Since this uprising of pretension, I’ve oft wondered if many of the people using the word even know the full definition. If they do, I wonder again if they realise how bloody self-important (pretentious) they sound using it in every other sentence.

In fact, doing a Google Trends search for ‘pretentious’ you’ll notice that I’m correct (of course): the search volume for the word previous to September 2004 is virtually nil. Then again, news reports were also very scarce containing the word ‘pretentious’ and I’m sure journalists knew the word previous to this date. So, is it a possibility that the world itself has actually become more grandiose and us, its inhabitants, ridiculously narcissistic in the past 24 months? Is everything actually pretentious and now, as ever, people are just speaking their mind?

I propose that from now on we all use a less pretentious word than ‘pretentious’. I’m now starting the official ‘better-than-thou’ club. Joining fee: £5. Entry requirements: white upper-middle class members of society who want to stand out. Rules: from now on we must use the words ‘grandiose’, ‘ostentatious’ or, preferably, ‘pompous’ when we would have previously said ‘pretentious’.

I’m just kidding of course, I don’t really care, although while you’re finding your wallet to send me the above joining fee I’m going to go and sit in my armchair in my dressing gown. I’ve already laid out a bottle of Nuit St Georges, an over-sized wine-glass and a selection from John Fowles’ oeuvre – time is getting on and I have things to do. I still need to choose which of Jacques Tourneur’s 1940’s B-movie horrors to put on in the background, tune my radio to BBC 4 and find my imported Parisian cigarettes.